The impossible task

I’ve never bothered to have a physical bucket list. I always thought that if I wanted to do something badly enough I wouldn’t forget it. However certain life choices I’ve made have meant that I haven’t yet done any of them.

I went straight to uni after school instead of working to save for an OE. Then I figured I’d do my OE in my early 20s, after I’d finished uni. Except I never actually finished uni and fell for Greg. He came with a gorgeous daughter – so living and working overseas for a few years was no longer an option. That’s totally fine I thought, I’ll do the raising of the kids, and then do a fancy OE when I’m older. I’ll be able to do more, afford more. I’ll have decades to compile the mental list of places I want to go and landscapes I want to see.

When I started writing down a bucket list on Saturday morning, the stage of shock and denial unfortunately disappeared with suddenness. Should I only write down the things I know I can do realistically? What about the things that I’m fairly certain I’m not going to be able to do but have wanted to since I was a teenager? Do I write those down too? Because at the end of the day, I’m unwilling to miss out on time with the girls just to save enough to see the world I want to see.

How do you prioritise things you thought you’d have a lifetime to do? The New Zealand things we can do. I adore New Zealand and I’m going to share that with the girls. I want to see all of New Zealand with them. I wonder if they will be able to visit those places after I’m gone and remember me, and the time we spent together exploring. The extensive international travel I was planning on when I was older and the kids were grown – I suddenly realised on Saturday morning that it probably won’t happen. Some of it – maybe. I’ve always known I want to see the Northern Lights before I die. I want to see Norway, Sweden, Iceland. I want to visit Scotland and Ireland. I’d love to see Stone Henge. I want to see places so rich in cultural history I can’t comprehend it. I want to see the Grand Canyon and Yellowstone. I want to spend months and months travelling around the Mediterranean. The Himalayas, the Great Barrier Reef, Machu Picchu and Thailand.

I wanted to go back to study… but is there any point? What if I actually do live a long life and I COULD have studied and got a great job after it. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I know I want to help people, and have a positive impact on the world in some small way. I just don’t know how to do that yet.

On a more immediate note, do I start a habit of watching the sunrise? Perhaps I need to get into meditation to help with the ability to stay in the moment. Or perhaps I need to become a tea drinker rather than coffee addict. I feel an intense pressure to be better, to do better. I don’t want the kids to remember me as a cranky, grumpy mum. I feel like it’s my last chance now to be the person I’ve wanted to be. Someone Greg and the girls can be proud of in years to come. I just don’t know if I’m up to the task.

10 thoughts on “The impossible task”

  1. Don’t underestimate who you are already! You’ve had an impact on many. The little things people do often mean the most, and they’re the things that really stay in your heart. (Also don’t be afraid to plan those ideas – I know your determination will help you get there!) Xx

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