I’m grieving the loss of ‘One Day’.
I never finished my degree. I don’t have a career. I am proud of what I have achieved in a work environment, however I am currently not working. One day… I’ll finish my degree and have a job where I can make a difference.
I never went on an OE. I’ve been to Aussie a handful of times, and Fiji once. One day… it’ll be my turn to explore the world.
I had kids younger than others around me, and only a year or two of double income no kids. One day… I’ll have a bit more money to do things.
One day… I’ll get a car less than 10 years old. Maybe even with a clock that can be set to the right time. Possibly even electric!
One day… we might upgrade to a larger house.
The shock of the cancer diagnosis has worn off a little and reality has started to sink in. A lot of my ‘one day’s’ will never be. Some of them aren’t really a big issue in the grand scheme of things – like a flash car or a bigger house. They may have never happened anyway. It’s more the sudden re-prioritisation that has been happening in my head. Trying to prioritise a bucket list (with some expensive things on it!) but also not missing out on too much time with family by working full time to earn money to save for the bucket list… I think it’s going to be a balance!
I’ve found there are so many different aspects to grieve with a diagnosis like this. You grieve the person you were before you were an Oncology patient. You grieve the stolen time, the loss of the ‘One Days’. You grieve the loss of feeling comfortable and at home in your own body. You grieve the loss of hair, organs and bodily functions. You grieve the loss of energy.
Chemo has officially finished as of last Thursday. My hair is already growing back, and my energy is returning. I’m now onto Letrozole – an estrogen blocker which will significantly slow down the growth of the cancer and extend the time before it comes back – hopefully by years. The side effects sound pretty similar to the menopause symptoms I’ve already got so I’m optimistic that I’ll feel like myself mostly for the next wee while. It will be nice to have a wee reprieve after a tough 6 months.
Joy in the Small Things 